My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
