I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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