I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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