found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
