i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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