The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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