if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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