The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize