I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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