Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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