Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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