I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
