I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize