Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
