No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
