the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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