she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
this is an emotional support booty call
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
