Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
did i just pee glitter
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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