I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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