allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize