dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
