You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
