I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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