when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
