Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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