The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
