what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
