we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
