My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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