Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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