I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
