If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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