I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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