You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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