jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
