I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got her a Nickelback box set.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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