I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
