and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
