He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
