you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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