today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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