I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize