Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
