Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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