My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
