I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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