my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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