It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My vagina is very pro this idea
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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