yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
