Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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