8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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