I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
