remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
