guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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