Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
