So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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