Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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