The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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