It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
