Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
