She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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