Will you blow on my dice?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
