Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize