I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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