He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize