you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
