New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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